Anxiety: My Re-Written Story
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First and foremost I want to thank you for the amazing response from my last blog. To be able to share at this level has been a vision for me for quite some time. As promised, I am now going to share my personal story as related to my healing.
My story may be a reflection of your story. I do believe that it is my purpose and responsibility to share as it may help you in re-writing your own story.
Anxiety feels like a vice, a noose, a debilitating heaviness in my chest. I used to tell myself, you are ok, nothing is wrong, everything in your life is perfect so there is no reason to be sad, worried or scared! But my insides were telling me something different. Being scared was different and being different was “imperfect”.
This is my definition of anxiety: the fear of being imperfect or showing imperfections.
I started to develop inflammatory body symptoms later known as Somatic Pain. Somatic pain is the most frequent anxiety disorder seen in primary care, where 22% of patients complain of anxiety problems, restlessness, increased fatigue, difficulty in concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and sleep disturbance.
For me it looked like a full mouth of canker sores, urinary tract infections, chronic yeast infections, insomnia, achy body parts, exhaustion and back pain.
My focus or shall I say my vice became my body protecting me from the ability to FEEL, thus body breakdown!
This led me to my pattern of anxiety….
1. Thinking perfect was the only way to be
2. Stuffing feelings
3. Anxiety
4. Inflammatory Response into body pain
The cost of not expressing myself led me to a whole host of character traits. First and foremost, I became the “YES PLEASER” to everything and everyone but myself along with not following through with most of my commitments to self whether it be school, career, plans, relationships or trusting in my own intuition.
My intuition, which I now know as my light was very dim. It was a very dark time for me. I remember walking home from work at 21 years old reminding myself baby steps, one step at a time, just get through the day just to wake up with that same overwhelming feeling of heartache the next morning. When I say heartache I mean heartache. It felt like an elephant was on my chest….it was actually hard to take a deep breath. I felt it in my heart, my throat and my back and forget about my head. My head was the heaviest of all…...whatever was in my head I wanted it out!!!!!!
Finally, I faced the flame and had the courage to sit my parents down after looking for support to tell them that I am not OKAY…I am scared, lonely, lost and DARK. Remember, 30 years ago the stigma of going to therapy was weakness. Unfortunately, there are many that still believe that to this day.
As I am writing and reliving this I recognize how vulnerable I was at that time. No covering up anything just me in the raw! Therapy here I come.
From that point on fast forward through my late 20’s and 30’s I dove into self care going to grad school, getting married, having children, yoga teacher training, working with disabled adults and children. During that time the anxiety was with me on and off just not as gripping. The anxiety swooped in like gangbusters and slowly released its grip as I focused on the things that brought me joy. Then life would get in the way and it would swoop in again…..same symptoms…..except the duration of the symptoms were shorter and shorter but the same scared, lost, foggy headed feelings remained.
40 years old! The year that took me by surprise! Woke up in the middle of night and decided I don't want this anymore. I will NOT have it! It was like this force of nature, courage, light that lifted me from the dead. Not only did I not want the anxiety but I didn’t want anything around me that interfered with healing which was my husband. (I was clearly projecting).
We then went on a 4 year journey together of healing ourselves independently which in turn healed our marriage. We began to re-write our so called manual of marriage. We explored new tools to fill our toolboxs' on an individual level as well as a unit.
Nothing is perfect in life. We are all broken or flawed in some way or another. I believe our purpose on this planet is to research these flaws to spare those to follow. Rather than finding a way to patch them up time after time until the patch no longer holds. When the patch no longer holds is when we begin to use vices such as anxiety, alcohol, anger, food disorders, etc to cover up what is truly meant for us to see.
Once you begin to uncover the story of what has been holding you back from yourself, you will start to see life through different colored lenses. Life becomes all about thriving rather than surviving.
This is something I want to offer you and why I have a special online program coming for you early 2020!
In my next blog, I will be trying something new! I'll be sharing about the new offering and continuing my story via a vlog(video blog). Stay Tuned!
Wishing you and your loved ones a Happy & Healthy Thanksgiving!
I am truly grateful to share...
XO,
